Deets

Deets: Used in place of "details".

It sounds like you are asking for insect repellent. Please, for the love of all you consider holy, don't shorten a word from two syllables to one. It's lazy and honestly, quite douchey.

"I called the 'rents to get the deets for this evening. They sent me to the camping store." See how confusion could happen? Think twice, speak once! 

-Guest post

Cray Cray

A really, really stupid way to say 'crazy'.

Per Markus (paraphrased): "Someone posted this on Facebook today referring to how crazy the twinky gay teens are at the club on Thursday nights. He was trying to be cute, but he sounded douchey."

It also totally sounds like BABY TALK. Gross.

Sesh

On behalf of Markus:

Okay, so friend of mine from Boston yesterday referred to his skate park expedition as a short mini rail sesh, I assume short for session. Not only is this douchey, but most skater kids nowadays are not the same type of kids they were when I was a kid. Now they're just emo, with bad haircuts and hygiene problems. That just makes them a douche period.

Nessa

(guest post from Markus)

Short for necessary. I originally heard this in a Mel Brooks movie which did make me laugh, but I heard an instructor use it recently and couldn't help but think "You're well over 40, no one in the classes that you teach cares if you try to say anything cool unless it ends in "...there is no homework, see you next week." or "Do you kids want me to buy you beer?" 

Posish

Posish is short for position (as in sexual position), and my first time hearing it was when I listened to Tenacious D's self-titled album, and heard the glorious song "Fuck Her Gently":

Whats your favorite posish? That's cool with me Its not my favorite But I'll do it for you

Oh, Jack Black. Your douchey words are just plain endearing.

Terriff

Terriff is short for terrific. It's one of those words that I kind of like  in a guilty pleasure sort of way, like fab. The best part is the way I hear the word being pronounced in my mind: "How was your vacation, dear?" "Terriff, just terriff! We spent gobs of money and really painted the town red." Imagine someone saying this the way Gloria Upson from Auntie Mame said "top drawer, really drop drawer": in a snotty,1950s Boston Brahmin-style accent. It's hilarious, and therefore awesome in the world according to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezpirYFXZBk&feature=related

Vair

Vair is short for very. Wait...SHORT for very? What? It only saves one syllable, and has the same number of letters! WHY would anyone use this word? It sounds so stupid. "This iced chai makes me vair happy." See? Ridiculous! The word has like...negative euphony. All people who use this word must be punched somewhere both painful and unusual.

Toosh

I've heard this word a couple of times on TV. Most recently, I saw it on an episode of Skins (a good, trashy British show about high school age kids who are, themselves, pretty damn trashy). Toosh stands for touché, the French word which is mainly used to say "A ha! Good point. You've got me there." Or during fencing, if you are a pretentious a-hole.

Qual

Today's word is qual, short for quality. I like to use it when describing ugly clothing. Like, "Hey, that shirt is a high-qual item." (Say it in a really sarcastic voice, though.) The best thing about the word qual: if used properly, it could be a pretty damn good Scrabble word.

Apresh

Pronounce this word like "uh preeeesh," and use it when you want to abbreviate 'appreciate'. Or actually, don't. If someone actually said to me, "Thanks, much apresh" instead of "Thanks, I appreciate that" I might have to kick them in their shins. Or, more appropriately, tell them to their face that they are a complete douchebag.

Ciggie

I can't even say ciggie - short for cigarette, pronounced like biggie but with an s - out loud. That's how annoying the word is to me. Ciggie...ugh. It just sounds like cancer and cutesy language mixed together. Like, "Aw, look at that widdle baby lung cancer! That's a good baby lung cancer! Pass me my ciggie."

By the way, I most recently heard this word in a 3OH3! song. I should be loyal to a band that came out of my own state, but honestly? "Baby's got a ciggie in her lip and knows she's cancerous." Gahhh.

Caj

Caj makes the word casual sound...casual. It would be like saying lax instead of relax, or mel instead of mellow, or tranq instead of tranquil. (Don't get any ideas, people. We don't need any MORE douche words in the world.)

Saying caj reminds me of other words with a soft j or g sound: uge (usual), and tjuz (that thing you do with your sleeves that the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy named).

Another douchey caj-related word: biz-caj. As in: business casual. *shudder*

Dealio

Today's word is not only douchey, it's extremely annoying to hear or even to see in print. Dealio is short for deal, or deal, yo. It is often used in sentences like, "Hey man, what's the dealio?" It's one of those words that includes completely superfluous words at the end of it. Who says "yo" at the end of a sentence? It sounds ridiculous. Much like "what up dog" or "how's it going, G?"

On a side note, a friend of mine just told me she usually says "what's the dealio, yo?" And then she said "Ugh...I hate myself."

Hilar

Hilar (hill-AIR) is short for hilarious. I am pretty much using the douche version instead of the real word almost exclusively now. Something about it is just incredibly addictive. Also, it reminds me of Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You know...Hillary...Bel-Air..

.hilar.

I like to use hilar when talking about someone doing something stupid. Like, "OMG, did you see that guy trip and fall on his ass? He looked so pissed! It was HILAR."

In sum, I say use hilar in a sentence today! You won't be sorry. You'll just be a douche. Which is ok, if you're doing it ironically. I think.

Brekkie

Guest post:

Brekkie (breakfast).

The other day, I heard someone refer to having "brekkie". It took me a moment to realize they were talking about breakfast in one of the most douchey ways imaginable.

What is the purpose of saying brekkie? Brekkie and breakfast have the same number of syllables. It saves you no time. It confuses people who aren't fluent in douche. It sounds like something a four year old would say to invite her stuffed elephant to an imaginary tea party ("Ellie, would you like to join me for tea and brekkie?"). Cute for a kid, douchey for anyone else.

I'd like to see this word incorporated into one of those You Might Be a Redneck routines. Remember the one that defines "Jeet" as redneck for "Did you eat?" Can't you just picture a big burly dude in a red plaid hunter's jacket laying a dead deer in the bed of his pick-up truck and saying, "This here buck gonna make me some good brekkie. Hey, Jim-Bob, jeet?"

Vag

Vag (rhymes with "badge") is short for vagina.  I'm so sad to admit that it's a douche word, but...yeah, it really is. I started using this word after I was keeping a friend company in the E.R. I started poking around the cabinets in the room we were in, and found something called a "vag pack." It was full of things you would find at your gyno's office, including a speculum (aka those cold metal duck lips).

P.S. I'm thinking gyno is another douche word.
P.P.S. Apparently "vag pack" is also a group of girls who go to the bathroom together.
P.P.P.S. What's the douche equivalent for the male anatomy?

Prezzies

Prezzies, as in presents. As in, "Look at all the prezzies I got for my birthday!" As in, gag.

I remember an episode of Buffy & the Vampire Slayer where Buffy actually said "Prezzies!" It literally broke my heart. There are pieces of it all over my living room floor to this day. True story.

Fam

Fam is short for family. It's usually used in sentences like, "I'm getting together with the fam this weekend," or "Let's just keep this in the fam." It irritates me, because I don't like words that rhyme with fam, such as Pam (the spray, not the name, although the name isn't my fave), ma'am, gam, or sham. It's also an annoying way to refer to a group of people you care about. I know, because in my yearbook quote, I actually wrote "mad love to the crew." The CREW. Can you imagine?

Douchey Food Names

Who knew that there were so many annoying douche words when it came to food? Whether it's an acronym that sounds ridiculous (EVOO) or something it is supposedly cute for a child to say (bisquetti instead of spaghetti), the following words are all Douchionary worthy.

Margs - margaritas
Cukes - cucumbers
Burgs - burgers
FroYo - frozen yogurt
Taters, Spuds - potatoes
Maters - tomatoes
Nanners - bananas
Bisquetti - spaghetti
*EVOO - extra virgin olive oil
*sammich - sandwich
Champus - champagne
Brekkie - breakfast
Chicky nugs - chicken nuggets
Dumplin' - dumpling

Descriptive words that are also douchariffic:

Delish
Nibble
*Yum-o

*These indicate words that Rachael Ray frequently says. Can she BE any more annoying?!

Marvy / Marv

Marvy, short for marvelous, is one of the more ridiculous douche words. Not only does it have that cutesy sound to it, as does any word with an "ie/y" or an "ette" added to the end (googly, sweetie; dudette, Rockette, Chipette), it also reminds me of the word mauve. *shudder* What's up with that word anyway? First of all, the color is gross and '80s. Secondly, is it pronounced mahhhv or mohhhv?

Ok, tangent. Back to marvy or, as I sometimes call it, marv. I generally hear this word when someone is super enthusiastic about something, while also wanting to be snooty. It's the kind of word I would lump into the same category as lovely, enchanting, pleased, and "how do you do." 

I especially like one of the Urban Dictionary definitions of marvy:

"1950s term short for marvelous. Fantastic, awesome. Sounded cool in the 50s now it will get you killed."

Annoying "Celeb" Names

This is part 2 of Monday's celeb post. Today I'd like to give a shout out (or, more accurately, a middle finger) to all the celebs, celebutantes and celebutards who have been reduced to extremely douchey nicknames.

-Speidi (Heidi and Spencer, celebutards)
PURE EVIL.

-TomKat (Tom and Katie, celebutards)
EW.

-LiLo (Lindsay HOhan...I mean Lohan, celebutante)
Oh look, she's drunk again! *yawn*

-Brangelina (Brad and Angelina, celebs)
Weren't they interesting once?

-J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez, celeb)
Eh, can't really complain about her, except that "Jenny From the Block" song. *shudder*

-ScarJo (Scarlett Johannson, celeb)
Love.

-R-Patz (Robert Pattinson, celeb)
Lust.

-Robsten (Robert and Kristen, awkward celebs)
They are so not dating, oKAY?

What is YOUR annoying celeb name?

P.S. The Superficial has the best snarky celeb news, and they use only the douchiest celeb names. Pay them a visit when you feel like being a big bitch.

Celebs

Today's word is celebs, short for celebrities. This wouldn't be any more annoying than any other douche word, except that celebrities are already annoying. So are the celebrity websites, shows, etc. who do nothing but talk about celebrities (TMZ, Access Hollywood, Perez Hilton, I mean you).

Later this week I'm going to do a post about douchey celeb names, like ScarJo (Scarlett Johansson). If you have suggestions, comment away!

Peeps

I know what you're thinking. Peeps = slightly disgusting but irresistible, pastel-colored, fluffy Easter marshmallow treats. Well, yes. It also means "people". Saying "my peeps" is somewhat akin to saying "my friends," "my group," "my posse," "my gang," or, my personal favorite, "my crew." It reminds me of the lamest yearbook quote ever (mine, from 1999): Mad Love to the Crew!

Budg

Today's word (short for budget, and pronounced just like "budge") is one I found myself using every once in awhile after seeing Garden State. When Natalie Portman said:

"...when we were little, he used to put on these really, really low-budg renditions of Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals in our attic. And they were awful! Like, so bad."

I just couldn't help myself.

Most other uses for budg involve something being low-budg, like horror films (Evil Dead, The Unborn, etc.).

Brah

Brah is one of the more annoying words that I've been hearing only recently (the last year or so). I'm going to defer to someone else's definition in Urban Dictionary, because it's good:

"This is the slang term for "bro" which is slang for brother...a slang inside a slang...THIS ORIGINATED IN THE STATE OF HAWAII!...It is the Pigeon (English-Hawaiian slang) word that is used statewide in Hawaii not only by surfers but by all people born and raised in Hawaii of all racial groups."
Link

It's nice to have a history of the word...but it still sounds SO STUPID when your average white Denver boy starts using it. Plus it always leads to more bastardization of the word, like "bromance". God help me if I have to hear that word ever again...

Natch

Short for: naturally
Means: a more sarcastic form of naturally, like obviously, or duh

Example: "The paparazzi got another picture of Lindsay Lohan completely wasted (natch)."
Example 2: "Natch, the Republican Senator resigned because he got caught having a lurid gay affair."
Example 3: "Monday sucks." "Natch."

Fav / Favsies

An annoyingly infantile abbreviation of the word 'favorite'. Actual usage:

"I shaved my chest to make me look less like a fifteen year old trying to grow chest hair; my shamelessly-halfbuttoned lavender shirt is my favsies."

Apparently this person got the word from an unofficial Mary Kate Olsen website, which pretty much uses douche-speak exclusively. No surprise there.

Ridic

Ridic, short for ridiculous, is another of those unnecessarily abbreviated words that sounds worse in its shortened version. Basically, it's the epitome of douchiness. I most often notice this word used when someone is mocking someone else's clothing: "Oh my god, look at those hideous mom jeans. They're ridic!"

Mexican Food Douchebaggery: Margs & Guac

Since I'll be having Mexican food tonight, I thought it would be the perfect time to talk about some food-related douche words. While margs (short for margaritas) is occasionally acceptable in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way, guac (short for guacamole) really rubs me the wrong way. GUAC. Ugh. It sounds like a noise a duck or a frog would make.

Still, they're both...dare I say... DELISH?

Whatev

Obviously, whatev is short for "whatever." It could be used in that "talk to the hand," Alicia Silverstone in Clueless sort of way, or it could just mean "I don't care, can someone please just pick out the damn restaurant already."

In its shortened form, whatev isn't really that douchey compared to the other variations: Whatevs and Evs. I think in this case, the shorter the word, the more of a douchebag you become when you use it.

Fro Yo / Frogurt

Short for frozen yogurt, fro yo is a word that can make me think of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things. Like '90s spandex bike shorts, or the fact that neon-colored clothing is somehow back in style.

Frogurt is an alternate douchebag word, and honestly, I can't decide which one I hate more.

Jelly / Jelly Bean

This word seriously makes me mad when I hear it. Jelly (short for jealous) just makes the person who says it sound like a dumbass. It's like one of those ridiculous Dr. Scholl's commercials: "Are you gellin'? I'm gellin' like a felon."

The word jelly can be made further annoying by adding the word "bean" to it. "Don't mind her; she's just all jelly bean because you're prettier." I feel the dry heaves coming on...

P.S. Cyanide & Happiness has it spot on.

Douchespeak...By Ella Fitzgerald?

It was brought to my attention that Ella Fitzgerald's rendition of 'S Wonderful is just full of deliciously douchey words. I found the following:

Fash
Pash
Emosh
Devosh

See if you can find more!

Fabu

Today's word, short for fabulous, is one of those words that just gets under my skin. Fabu. It's FABOOOOO, dahhhling. Yuck. It sounds just as bad as when someone calls their boyfriend their "boo". *shudder* 

As an alternative to fabu, might I suggest the more acceptable (and, in fact, pretty damn awesome) word "fab" instead?

Sitch

Sitch = Situation. I had to post this word today, because a friend literally just said to me, "What's the sitch?" I had that "Uh oh, you are going to be mocked on The Douchionary because of that!" moment. Muhahaha. Sitch is one of those words that, while douche-like, still sounds better than calling yourself The Situation, like that douchebag on Jersey Shore. Not that I watch it. (No seriously, I don't.)

Ferosh

Short for "ferocious," this douchetastic word came into vogue after it was said by Project Runway's mocker of the "hot tranny mess," Christian Siriano. My favorite quote? "Ferosh, Fabulous, and Fierce, all of the above!"

Btw, if you are a fan of Siriano or the word ferosh, join the Facebook group "Team Ferosh! We Heart Christian Siriano" at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7790848978.

The GOOD Douche Words

Since lately the world seems to be full of people like Douche Douchington, the Duke of Doucheville, I needed to do a more positive douche post today. Here are the GOOD douche words, the guilty pleasures, the ones that don't affect your coolness:

1. Fab
2. Mod
3. Delish

It's a short list, because douche words can only be used within reason. As my friend Jennifer says, "With great power comes great responsibility."

Obv

Meaning "obviously," today's word is one of my favorite douche words to use (tongue-in-cheek, obv). I've also heard different variations of this, including "obvi". But why use 2 syllables when you can be amazingly lazy and use just one?

Brill

A shortened version of the word "brilliant". I don't get it. Why would you shorten an awesome word to a word that sounds awkward when you say it? Brill. It has the same effect on me as the word "rural". It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Plus, it rhymes with other hate-able words like "fer rilll" (as in "for real") and "grill" (as in teeth).

Presh

The laziest - and most annoying way ever - to say "precious". I'm pretty sure you have to be talking about puppies! or kitties! or shoes! or boys! to say this word. "OMG!!! That boy with the cute shoes with puppies and kitties on them is so presh!"

OJ

Pronounced like the word "mojo" without the first m or last o, and without all the fun Austin Powers associations. I once used this word to order a juice at breakfast and our drag queen server mercilessly mocked me for the rest of the meal. I totally deserved it.

Bestie

Best friends or BFFs (also an annoying "word"). I picture people who call their friends besties as the type who can't take a crap without their friend holding their hand through the door. I've actually seen people so up each other's ass that they do this, too. Gross.

Totes

Totes. When the 3 syllables of "totally" is just too much to bother with. I'll admit that I love using the word "totally." It may even sound '80s/'90s valley girl of me, but I can't help it. I LOVE THAT WORD. But totes? God... it just sounds horrible.Unless you're using it ironically, of course. In which case, go for it. It's awesome. Totes.