Ciggie

I can't even say ciggie - short for cigarette, pronounced like biggie but with an s - out loud. That's how annoying the word is to me. Ciggie...ugh. It just sounds like cancer and cutesy language mixed together. Like, "Aw, look at that widdle baby lung cancer! That's a good baby lung cancer! Pass me my ciggie."

By the way, I most recently heard this word in a 3OH3! song. I should be loyal to a band that came out of my own state, but honestly? "Baby's got a ciggie in her lip and knows she's cancerous." Gahhh.

Caj

Caj makes the word casual sound...casual. It would be like saying lax instead of relax, or mel instead of mellow, or tranq instead of tranquil. (Don't get any ideas, people. We don't need any MORE douche words in the world.)

Saying caj reminds me of other words with a soft j or g sound: uge (usual), and tjuz (that thing you do with your sleeves that the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy named).

Another douchey caj-related word: biz-caj. As in: business casual. *shudder*

Dealio

Today's word is not only douchey, it's extremely annoying to hear or even to see in print. Dealio is short for deal, or deal, yo. It is often used in sentences like, "Hey man, what's the dealio?" It's one of those words that includes completely superfluous words at the end of it. Who says "yo" at the end of a sentence? It sounds ridiculous. Much like "what up dog" or "how's it going, G?"

On a side note, a friend of mine just told me she usually says "what's the dealio, yo?" And then she said "Ugh...I hate myself."

Hilar

Hilar (hill-AIR) is short for hilarious. I am pretty much using the douche version instead of the real word almost exclusively now. Something about it is just incredibly addictive. Also, it reminds me of Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You know...Hillary...Bel-Air..

.hilar.

I like to use hilar when talking about someone doing something stupid. Like, "OMG, did you see that guy trip and fall on his ass? He looked so pissed! It was HILAR."

In sum, I say use hilar in a sentence today! You won't be sorry. You'll just be a douche. Which is ok, if you're doing it ironically. I think.

Brekkie

Guest post:

Brekkie (breakfast).

The other day, I heard someone refer to having "brekkie". It took me a moment to realize they were talking about breakfast in one of the most douchey ways imaginable.

What is the purpose of saying brekkie? Brekkie and breakfast have the same number of syllables. It saves you no time. It confuses people who aren't fluent in douche. It sounds like something a four year old would say to invite her stuffed elephant to an imaginary tea party ("Ellie, would you like to join me for tea and brekkie?"). Cute for a kid, douchey for anyone else.

I'd like to see this word incorporated into one of those You Might Be a Redneck routines. Remember the one that defines "Jeet" as redneck for "Did you eat?" Can't you just picture a big burly dude in a red plaid hunter's jacket laying a dead deer in the bed of his pick-up truck and saying, "This here buck gonna make me some good brekkie. Hey, Jim-Bob, jeet?"

Vag

Vag (rhymes with "badge") is short for vagina.  I'm so sad to admit that it's a douche word, but...yeah, it really is. I started using this word after I was keeping a friend company in the E.R. I started poking around the cabinets in the room we were in, and found something called a "vag pack." It was full of things you would find at your gyno's office, including a speculum (aka those cold metal duck lips).

P.S. I'm thinking gyno is another douche word.
P.P.S. Apparently "vag pack" is also a group of girls who go to the bathroom together.
P.P.P.S. What's the douche equivalent for the male anatomy?

Prezzies

Prezzies, as in presents. As in, "Look at all the prezzies I got for my birthday!" As in, gag.

I remember an episode of Buffy & the Vampire Slayer where Buffy actually said "Prezzies!" It literally broke my heart. There are pieces of it all over my living room floor to this day. True story.

Fam

Fam is short for family. It's usually used in sentences like, "I'm getting together with the fam this weekend," or "Let's just keep this in the fam." It irritates me, because I don't like words that rhyme with fam, such as Pam (the spray, not the name, although the name isn't my fave), ma'am, gam, or sham. It's also an annoying way to refer to a group of people you care about. I know, because in my yearbook quote, I actually wrote "mad love to the crew." The CREW. Can you imagine?

Douchey Food Names

Who knew that there were so many annoying douche words when it came to food? Whether it's an acronym that sounds ridiculous (EVOO) or something it is supposedly cute for a child to say (bisquetti instead of spaghetti), the following words are all Douchionary worthy.

Margs - margaritas
Cukes - cucumbers
Burgs - burgers
FroYo - frozen yogurt
Taters, Spuds - potatoes
Maters - tomatoes
Nanners - bananas
Bisquetti - spaghetti
*EVOO - extra virgin olive oil
*sammich - sandwich
Champus - champagne
Brekkie - breakfast
Chicky nugs - chicken nuggets
Dumplin' - dumpling

Descriptive words that are also douchariffic:

Delish
Nibble
*Yum-o

*These indicate words that Rachael Ray frequently says. Can she BE any more annoying?!